28 June 2010

The Neo-Beveridge Report.

The Neo-Beveridge report- creating Feudalism 2.0

This report is the result of 30 years of research into the benefits of reversing the original Beveridge report and reverting the country back to the five Virtues of Want, Disease, Ignorance, Squalor and Idleness.

Using utterly spurious evidence and anecdotal observations about seeing blokes in wheelchairs standing up to sign their benefit cheque, this report will categorically prove that not nearly enough wealth has been filtered out of the country into offshore tax havens and despite vigorous efforts, millions of British People are still being paid an unsustainable living wage and civil society still functions. To the detriment of us.

History and background

In 1940, Sir William Beveridge, a well known Communist and member of the Cambridge Six (along with Blunt, Burgess, Philby, Maclean and Cairncross) was briefed by his handler, Oleg Madeupbullshitovich, to infiltrate the very heart of the War cabinet and to diffuse Bolshevism within the heart of Government.

The success of this propaganda campaign was clearly seen even in Churchill’s actions with his decision to ally Britain with the USSR in the light of Operation Barbarossa. As a result, millions of innocent tommies were brainwashed by ‘Uncle Joe’ into believing that the 1930’s were anything but a delightful cornucopia of Brideshead Revisitedism in which the entire population of Britain laid luxuriantly on estate lawns eating strawberries and quaffing Mouthon Rothschild under the benevolent eye of landed aristocracy, bankers and the establishment.

Brainwashed by communist propaganda, (“Invasion of the Bodysnatchers” is now seen as a Documentary on what happened to Britain in 1945) Millions voted for the Trotskyite Clement Atlee who by and large implemented the ruinous hard leftist policies of the national institute of Women:

A planned economy which will eliminate mass unemployment. The re-organisation of industry is properly outside the scope of this inquiry, but it is a sine qua non of social and economic security. It is felt that this point cannot be over emphasised; any social securityplans for the future must, if they are to succeed at all, be based on a state of society in which there is possibility of work for all, and at an adequate wage.

At the same time, Beveridge published his report advocating the destruction of the five virtues of Want, disease, ignorance, squalor and idleness. The results were disastrous- full employment, living wages, social security payments, free healthcare at point of use, personal dignity, a sense of worth and equality at record scales.

This direct rule from Moscow only saw the Aristocracy, Bankers and establishment only moderately increase their wealth. It was clear by 1979 that Britain was ripe for revolution.

Ian Duncan Smith’s findings

Mr Duncan Smith visited Glasgow once, which makes him the ideal choice to investigate the effects of Blessed Margaret Thatcher’s programme to de-Communise Britain.

”I was appalled at what I saw. Walking around seeing people living in houses, going to their work and eating I instantly realized why the Midland Industrial Council, Lord Ashcroft and the thousands of other dodgy fuckers that fund the Conservative Party haven’t made as much money as they should. Further investigation uncovered that those that don’t work, are disabled or mentally incapable receive benefits from the state.”

“I knew at that stage that despite the work of our Blessed Margaret (crosses himself), there was still an immense amount of work to do to burn the tentacles of Beveridgist Bolshevism and re-instill Want, Ignorance, Disease, Squalor and Idleness for the good of all (not just the few) of our donors, the bankers and the establishment.”

The Plan- Feudalism 2.0

Armed with Duncan Smith’s findings and with the City’s fist deep inside his anus, George Osborne made a groundbreaking speech to either DEMOS, the Adam Smith Institute, Policy Research or some other god awful swivel eyed think tank, we don’t know, just choose one, they’re all the fucking same….with his fiscal plans entitled:

"It’s poor and Median income families fault the rich didn’t make more money"

In an impassioned speech, Mr Osborne set out Conservative plans to get the economy back up and running for the benefit of he and his mates:

''Despite burgeoning short term non-union contracts, despite chopping benefits to subsistence levels, despite vilifying the sick and ill, despite bending over backwards for Big Business, New Labour have simply failed to ensure me and my Banking Friends earn even more money than usual.''

Mr Osborne then made it crystal clear who was at fault for the recession:

''It is quite clear that the blame must lie at the feet of median and low income families. They have lacked the moral rectitude and will power to resist the easy lending, borrowing and ill advised mortgages relentlessly promoted by my friends the Bankers through aggressive advertising and crap aspirational programmes such as relocation, relocation, relocation.''
''Poor people have led Britain to this sorry pass. We are simply not making enough money. My fiscal plans will address the root cause of the economic disaster.''

Gurning like a gimp as his anal city fisting gripped his appendix, he proclaimed

''As it was clearly poor and median income families which got us into this mess it is wholly and fiscally responsible that they should be the ones to suffer. We Conservatives know our History and by studying past fiscal policies we can move forward.''

''I plan to implement pre-revolutionary French Tax laws. The ancien regime knew what they were doing burdening the poor with 99.98% of the State tax burden. This will have a threefold effect- 1. Keep the poor in their place 2. Make sure I don't have to pay any tax. 3. Make Britain great again!''

”For too long Britain has rejected Want, Disease, Ignorance, Squalor and Idleness- the results have been devastating- yacht and ferrari sales have been sluggish and Cristal champage filled baths are no longer de rigeur for many"

''Tough on the poor, tough on the consequences of the poor will make us rich again. Time put the 'Great' back into 'Great Britain'!''


We at the Conservatives will do everything in our power to ensure that we and those we represent will get richer. The entrenched prevalence of Communism since 1945 has been disastrous for us. The State bailout of the banks shows just how insidious State Socialism is.

By introducing Feudalism 2.0 and reintroducing Want, Squalor, Disease, Ignorance and Idleness, the Society Rupert Murdoch could only dream about will become a reality.
Join us, join us today as we do everything to make your life miserable, join the big society. Look into my eyes, you are feeling very sleepy, say after me, ”feckless scum have caused our disaster, fuck welfare and fuck you mate, feckless scum have caused our disaster, fuck welfare and fuck you mate, feckless scum have caused our disaster, fuck welfare and fuck you mate……………………….”


  1. Duke, Duke, Duke!!

    I get what you're trying to say, I really do, but you try a bath of Asti or, god-forbid, Cava, for a while, and then we'll talk!!

    I know we're all in this together and all that, but good god man, we're not animals....

  2. I'd say more but am wallowing in my bath of asses milk....champagne to hand... Will pass this on to Bru, she'll be delighted.

  3. Good stuff, Duke. Amazingly centuries of slow social progress seem to be now in a very high speed reverse, we are hurtling back to the 19th century and most people dont even seem too bothered.

    I particularly enjoyed:

    "At the same time, Beveridge published his report advocating the destruction of the five virtues of Want, disease, ignorance, squalor and idleness. The results were disastrous- full employment, living wages, social security payments, free healthcare at point of use, personal dignity, a sense of worth and equality at record scales."

  4. Well, I don't know what Britain's poor and middle classes are complaining about. Here in the US of A, we're honoured to live in squalor so that the bankers and CEOs can be free to earn as much as absolutely possible.

    The freedom for a handful of people to become obscenely wealthy is right there in our Constitution and it's what Jesus wants, too.

  5. You are a genius 13th, and I fear an all too accurate prophet...

  6. Superbly funny article. Take out some of the sweary bits and see if the Graun will pay you for it! Much better than Terry Jones. And he's a Python. :o)

  7. Thanks for the comments all,


    Yeah I should have put a health warning at the top to warn of excess F words. The problem is twofold- 1. My inherent genetic Glaswegianess which makes it very difficult not to and 2. When I think of Tories I physically retch and swear.

    It's like Pavlov's dog every time I see see one.

  8. Damn funny Duke. You've become your avatar. Well done!

  9. Brilliant article this Duke. And what is worse I reckon this is exactly what that lot are saying behind closed doors. Particularly like the bit where Osbournes apendix feels the pain - oh if only it could be arranged in real life!

  10. Extremely good article Duke.And one that makes me think you should perhaps be looking at a career in script writing for a satirical programme or magazine.

    I recently saw some repeats from the 60,s of a satirical show called 'That was the week that was'.Methinks if they ever do a 21st Century version of that you should seriously consider submitting some scripts.

    On a more serious note though there was part of me that didn,t know whether to laugh or cry when reading this.I,m afraid i err on the side of pessimism as far as the future of this country goes.And your article was a satirical take on some extremely uncomfortable truisms.

  11. That was very good - and most worryingly very true. Goodness knows what a plebian like me has waiting for himself should I ever return to Blighty.

  12. Very good indeed, thanks. Depressing as well, in a way.

    Peter Guillam

  13. Good article! very funny and at the moment looks like the truth!

    How bad does it have to get before we wake up?

    It proves that any gains made under this fucking system can be clawed back and are being - rapidly!